Let’s start with the obvious – divorce is hard. However, add children to the equation and you can suddenly find yourself navigating an emotional obstacle course filled with an entirely different set of emotions and feelings to manage in addition to your own. For parents considering separation, the key question becomes less about “Should we get divorced?” and more about “How can we do this in the least damaging way for our children?”
To help you find your way through the uncertainty that comes hand in hand with such a major life change, our family law solicitors have outline below some of the most important dos and don’ts when divorcing with children. These pointers are designed to help you prioritise their emotional well-being alongside managing the practicalities of a divorce.
DO: Time the Conversation Thoughtfully and Offer Reassurance
There is never truly an ‘ideal’ time to break the news of a divorce to your children, but there are certainly less-than-ideal times. As a ground rule, try to avoid emotionally charged moments, family celebrations, or times when your children are already feeling stressed, overstimulated, or unwell. The best opportunity for this conversation will be one when both you and the other parent are feeling calm and present, and your children are relaxed and at ease.
If possible, have the conversation with them together as parents to present the decision as being mutual, even if it may not be. This is because presenting a united front offers reassurance to children, especially when receiving such big news. Also, be ready to offer basic details about what comes next — where everyone will live, what will stay the same, and when changes will begin. Children thrive on routine and predictability, so give them as much of it as you can, paying particular attention to honouring any family traditions or routines.
Ultimately, the key message to impart to your children in a moment like this is reassurance. Make sure you tell them (as many times as they need) that:
- The divorce is not their fault
- Both parents still love them unconditionally
- They will always be supported by you, no matter what changes
It may take several conversations for this to sink in, so be patient. Reassurance isn’t a one-off performance but rather an ongoing act of love.
DON’T: Overshare or Offload Personal Details of Your Divorce
Children do not need to know every detail of why the relationship between you and their other parent has ended. Although it may be tempting at times to share details of this with them, try to remember that the inner workings of your marriage are adult matters, and that sharing too much — even in the name of honesty — can do more harm than good.
The best solution here is to stick to a shared, neutral explanation that avoids blame or recrimination. Something along the lines of the below can work well:
“We’ve decided we’re better as friends than partners, and we think this will help all of us feel happier in the long run.”
This gives children clarity without making them feel like they’re caught in the middle of any conflicts that they did not sign up for.
DO: Preserve Structure Wherever Possible and Create a Clear Parenting Plan
As mentioned above, children thrive on predictability and stability and so they will crave routine particularly when they feel uncertain about any changing circumstances around them. To afford them this, aim to maintain daily rhythms like school drop-offs, mealtimes, and bedtimes as this offers a reassuring sense of normality. While some changes are of course inevitable, try to preserve the familiar wherever you can.
Even small continuities like a favourite breakfast on weekends or a regular family movie night can become emotional anchors for your children. These quiet moments can effectively signal to them that, although some things are changing, others have not and therefore they are still safe and secure in your care.
To bolster this sense of structure, considering creating a well-thought-out parenting plan too as this is one of the best tools you have for reducing conflict and maintaining stability. It should include things like:
- Living arrangements
- Schooling and activities
- Holidays and special occasions
- Decision-making responsibilities
- Communication boundaries
Whether you choose to put this in place with your ex-partner formally or informally, having the added clarity helps everyone involved — especially your child — know what to expect.
DON’T: Make Your Children Your Therapist or Ask Them to Choose Sides
It is completely natural to feel highly emotional during a divorce. In fact, it is well documented among psychologists that the impact a separation can have on a person’s mental health can result in elevated stress, anxiety, and/or depression. However, you should be mindful of not making the mistake of turning to your children for comfort, venting, or validation during your vulnerable moments. No matter how mature they may seem, they are still only children, and it is unfair to expect them to shoulder the weight of your emotional burdens.
Instead, seek out appropriate outlets for your own feelings such as friends, support groups, or even a therapist. Allowing your children the space to be what they are during your divorce – kids simply trying to make sense of a world that is shifting dramatically around them – is crucial to protecting their well-being and development.
It can also be tempting amidst the highly charged emotions of a split to ask your children to choose sides – especially if the other parent has committed notably more transgressions in the lead up to your relationship breakdown. However, allowing your children to become mixed up in a loyalty ‘tug-of-war’ is one of the most damaging things you can do to them as a parent. Unless there are real safety concerns involved, children benefit most from having stable relationships with both their parents, so you should avoid criticising the other parent in their presence or using them as messengers or emotional leverage in negotiations. Even seemingly harmless comments like, “Well, your father never remembers these things,” can plant seeds of resentment and confusion which ultimately won’t be helpful to them in the long run.
DO: Seek a Divorce Coach or Therapist’s Support
Divorce Coach, Louize Yafai, who works in collaboration with Grayfords comments as follows:
You don’t have to do this alone.
Divorce isn’t just legal – it’s an emotional upheaval, especially with children involved. When you’re going through a divorce with children, it’s not just your world that’s shifting, it’s theirs too! You’re not only managing your own heartbreak and uncertainty, but also trying to protect their emotional security, which is a huge weight to carry.
Many parents try to hold it all together, believing they have to be “the strong one” for everyone else. However, strength isn’t silence, it’s knowing when to reach for support before the emotional cost becomes too high.
As a divorce coach, my role is to help you manage the overwhelm, protect your peace and rebuild your emotional foundation, so you feel empowered to communicate clearly, co-parent with dignity and guide your children through this transition with confidence and care.
This isn’t therapy, it’s emotional strategy… practical, empowering support to help you respond, not react, even in the hardest moments. You don’t have to do this alone! Let’s get through this with strength for you and for your children.
Louize offers a 20-minute free initial consultation to all new Grayfords clients, so don’t hesitate to contact us today if you would like to find out more about how we can support you with your divorce.
Final Thoughts
Breaking the news to your children that you are getting divorced is only the beginning of an ongoing discourse with them that will change and evolve as they process the separation over time. Some may grieve the old family dynamic while others may, at first, seem unaffected. Whatever their reaction, remain open to follow-up conversations and try to check in with them often about how they are feeling. Let them know that it is OK to feel sad, angry, relieved, or confused — and that they can talk to you about any of it, at any time. If you need to speak to a family law solicitor about your divorce, child arrangements, finances or any other area of family law, don’t hesitate to call us today on 020 7100 6100 and book your free consultation to find out more about how we can help.