In today’s modern society, relationships are notably evolving in many ways and the growing popularity of open relationships, ‘throuples’, and ethical non-monogamy are a testament to that. However, despite our growing capacity to accept love in all its various forms, one particular aspect of relationships still seems to provoke heated debate, and that is the matter of significant age gaps between romantic partners.
Defining A Significant Age-Gap Relationship
Let’s first start by defining exactly what qualifies as a significant age gap in a relationship. Generally, this involves a difference in age between partners which ranges from about 5 to 20 years or more. In such cases, research shows that men are more likely to date younger women, typically between 5-15 years younger, while women tend to prefer partners up to 10 years older than themselves. These relationships are perhaps more common than most would assume given that around 8% of heterosexual couples in Western countries have an age gap of 10 years or more – and that figure rises among same-sex couples.
However, despite such matches being more than just a rare occurrence, couples with significant age differences often face unique challenges which others do not. These difficulties stem from factors such as differing life experiences, social discrimination or judgement, and continuously evolving societal attitudes toward gender and power dynamics.
Social and Cultural Norms
Relationships with significant age gaps often tend to attract societal scrutiny. Take the example of Leonardo DiCaprio, whose dating habits frequently stir public debate on social media.
In such cases, the younger women dating the older man is criticized for being a ‘gold digger’ or is assumed to have ‘daddy issues’, while the older man is labelled as a ‘sugar daddy’. On the other hand, older women dating younger men also face criticism, generally even more so than men. Derogatory labels, such as ‘cougar’ or ‘toyboy’ are usually used in such cases to refer to the woman who dates a much younger man.
In both cases, general public perception is that the power dynamics in such relationships are inherently exploitative. However, society’s focus has increasingly shifted to relationships where older men date younger women, especially in light of the #MeToo movement which heightened awareness of domestic abuse, particularly in heterosexual relationships.
The Evolutionary Perspective
It is also important to note that much of the discomfort surrounding significant age-gap relationships actually stems from evolutionary psychology. Humans have evolved to seek partners with whom they can reproduce, and, as we know, age plays a critical role in fertility. For both men and women, fertility decreases significantly after age 35 and this biological driver will lead most people to seek partners of a similar age to increase the likelihood of having children.
As a result, people who choose to buck this trend can often be seem as behaving ‘unnaturally’ or in an unhealthy way because of these deeply ingrained associations that we ascribe to age and sexual relationships.
Other Challenges That Affect Relationships With A Significant Age Gap
Aside from societal pressures and evolutionary psychology, significant age-gap relationships also bring with them a variety of unique challenges including:
- Differing Levels of Maturity and Conflicting Life Goals: Partners with a significant age gap can struggle more to see eye to eye in their relationship. For example, a younger partner may still be navigating career development and have goals to travel and have new experiences, while an older partner may be more focused on settling down, having a calmer lifestyle, or preparing for retirement.
- Power Dynamics: Significant age differences can also introduce an imbalance in the power dynamics of a relationship, particularly if one partner holds more financial or social power than the other. Problems with control or manipulation are common here, even more so if one partner is financially dependent on the other.
- Health and Caregiving Concerns: As partners age, health disparities will become more pronounced for couples with a significant age gap. An older partner may require caregiving or experience physical decline while the younger partner is still in the prime of their life, and this can put greater responsibility on the younger partner, particularly when children are involved.
- Disapproval From Family and Friends: Couples with a significant age-gap also often face external challenges from loved ones, such as family or friends, who might not view the relationship favourably. This can add yet another layer of emotional strain on the couple’s relationship, particularly if they feel isolated or unsupported as a result of the discrimination.
Overcoming These Challenges
Despite these obstacles, many couples with a significant age gap have successfully navigated their differences to build strong, lasting relationships. The key to overcoming these challenges lies in a variety of important relational aspects, including:
- Open Communication: Honest and respectful conversations are essential for addressing any concerns about differing life goals or external criticisms, and regular check-ins can help partners feel heard and understood, fostering a deeper connection.
- Setting Boundaries: Couples with a significant age gap will benefit particularly from establishing clear boundaries to protect their relationship from any external negativity. This helps to prioritize each partner’s emotional and mental well-being, which is crucial for long-term success in the relationship.
- Personal Growth: Both partners should encourage each other to pursue individual self-development and interests outside of their relationship as fostering independence allows each person to evolve and mature, enhancing the overall relationship dynamic.
- Supportive Networks: Surrounding themselves with supportive friends and family can provide the strength and encouragement that couples with a significant age gap need to weather whatever challenges they may face. Professional counselling can also greatly help when needed by enabling both partners to navigate any particularly complex dynamics that may arise.
At Grayfords, we believe that every couple deserves to be treated with respect and to have the legal support they need to secure their future, both jointly and individually. If you need protection from abuse or harassment from a family member, are considering a pre or post nuptial agreement, or are in need of assistance with any other family matter, including financial and child arrangements, don’t hesitate to contact us today. Book your free initial consultation by calling 020 7100 6100 and find out more about how our divorce lawyers and family law solicitors can help.
