It is no secret that discovering your partner has been unfaithful is one of the most disorienting and painful experiences a person can go through. Getting a divorce? Well, that is also one of the most difficult experiences that adulthood can offer – but to deal with both these things at the same time is nothing short of extreme, and sadly a lot more common than most might think.
Divorcing a partner because they have had an affair or other extra-marital relations is a decision that many men and women face, and the impact on their lives can be significantly far reaching. Infidelity not only breaks the trust that is foundational to a relationship, but it also introduces a deep sense of personal betrayal and loss that often makes recovery from a separation even more difficult for the partner who has been cheated on. Unlike typical divorces, those involving infidelity introduce a specific set of emotional challenges that complicate the healing process. These effects can include difficulty trusting people, jealousy, intimacy avoidance, and a persistent negative outlook on future relationships, so understanding and addressing these unique hurdles is essential if you are to fully recover from a divorce caused by infidelity.
The Emotional Fallout
The immediate aftermath of discovering an affair is often marked by shock, confusion, and a desperate search for answers. You may find yourself questioning everything in your life. Thoughts like, “Why wasn’t I enough? How did I not see the signs? Can I ever trust anyone again?” are normal reactions to such upsetting news.
In many cases, this depth of betrayal can also lead to a collapse of aspects of one’s identity. People faced with infidelity experience an abrupt re-defining of their reality as they struggle to come to terms with the stark contrast between the narrative of their lives which they once believed and the reality of what was really going on. “Have I been living a lie? Who am I then if I am not his/her partner anymore?” these are examples of the kind of mental anguish that can ensue.
When your partner who was once a source of safety and love becomes a source of pain, it is not just the relationship that ends, but your entire life as you knew it can feel like it has come undone. This is a highly traumatic experience for most individuals, and so you may even find that it manifests similarly to post-traumatic stress, where seemingly benign reminders trigger powerful emotional and physical responses in you.
The Longer Road to Healing
It is therefore understandable that recovery from such an intense experience – or rather the combination of two incredibly difficult ones, being both infidelity and divorce – takes a lot of time and intentional effort. You don’t have the luxury of focusing purely on moving on from your divorce, but instead, you also have to work hard at reconstructing your ability to trust yourself and others again.
One critical shift in being able to achieve this is learning to focus on healing rather than the betrayal itself. This might seem trite to consider at first, but constantly revisiting the question of how could they do this to me? will only prolong your suffering. Healing can begin when you shift your attention away from the cause of your distress and on to what will help you move forward and rebuild yourself, so try to remember this whenever you find it hard to stop replaying past events in your mind.
It is also vital to remember here that, as awful as this experience is, it may have potentially spared you from a lifetime with someone who was unwilling (or incapable) of offering you the same honesty and love that you gave to them and truly deserve. The alternative to knowing the truth would have been continuing to live in deception, and that can be a helpful thought to hold on to in the aftermath of your separation.
Recognizing the Biggest Challenges in Your Recovery
Once you’ve found the strength to begin your journey to recovery from divorce and infidelity, you may notice that you particularly have difficulty with certain things because of what you’ve been through. Some important common struggles to be aware of include:
- Mistrust: It is very normal to question your ability to judge people’s characters or to assess their truthfulness after having been deceived so deeply by a spouse. Your first point of call in this respect will be to invest in rebuilding your trust in yourself, before then extending that to other people.
- Triggers: Being cheated on is traumatic, and so you will likely also experience emotional flooding and flashbacks for some time to come, perhaps even years in some cases. If this happens, remind yourself that these reactions are not signs of weakness – they are signs that your trauma from this experience runs deep and simply needs healing on a deeper level (don’t hesitate to consult a professional psychologist, counsellor, or therapist to help you with this if needed).
- Jealousy and Hypervigilance: In future relationships, you may find yourself bracing for betrayal or struggling to believe the things your partner says to you. Recognising this behaviour as a trauma response can help you better manage it, rather than letting it define your interactions with future romantic interests.
- Intimacy Avoidance: In an effort to protect themselves, many people who have faced infidelity choose not to fully engage emotionally with new partners, always ‘holding a part of themselves back’. While this is an understandable reaction to betrayal, it can lead to feelings loneliness in relationships caused by a reluctance to open yourself up to love again.
- Negative Generalizations: After being cheated on, it is not uncommon for victims to assume that ‘all men cheat’ or ‘all women lie’. If you find yourself experiencing these thought patterns, remember that they are merely coping mechanisms from your mind trying to protect you from being cheated on again. These generalisations are not fact and can be very isolating to live by.
Moving Forward with Compassion
Recovery from a divorce and infidelity is not a journey successfully walked alone, and so it is important that you reach out for structured support wherever you can. Consulting with a mental health professional, a divorce coach, or engaging in group therapy via support groups that are specifically designed for infidelity recovery can provide safe spaces for you to explore your pain and begin rebuilding. These therapists and communities help by validating your experience, challenge any limiting beliefs, and offering the kind of compassion that fosters long-term healing. Although there is no ‘shortcut’ through this healing process, the work that you do on yourself, with the help of others, is well worth the result of being able to move on fully from your trauma and build a happier life for yourself. It is of course also advisable to seek out the help of a lawyer in managing all the legalities that come hand in hand with divorce, especially if there are children involved or assets of yours that you wish to protect.
Need to speak to a family law solicitor about your divorce or to enquire about a referral to a divorce coach? Don’t hesitate to call us today on 020 7100 6100 to book your free consultation for more information on how we can help.