Getting divorced is certainly not for the faint of heart given the emotional, psychological, and financial strain that generally comes hand in hand with the affair. However, if you add a narcissist into the mix, the situation can escalate from difficult to challenging. Narcissists are notorious for their abuse, thriving on control, manipulation, and power, so they will do anything they can to complicate and delay the divorce process. However, by taking the time to understand their mindset and to prepare yourself emotionally, practically, and strategically, it is still possible to come out on the other end with your freedom intact.
Below, we’ve compiled a list of seven things you should bear in mind when divorcing a narcissist:
1. They Think Differently To The Rest Of Us
Narcissists don’t view others in the same way that we do and, as a result, have a grandiose sense of self-importance and a general lack empathy for other people. This means that they are unlikely to compromise on their position during divorce proceedings, choosing instead to always view themselves as the victim, even if factual evidence heavily contradicts this. Further, they will have no interest in reaching a fair settlement and will want to ‘win’ at all costs, which obviously makes negotiation or mediation extremely difficult to attempt.
This is because narcissists often view divorce as a direct attack on their self-esteem and will therefore go to great lengths to maintain as much control of the situation as they can as a means of asserting their dominance. For example, a narcissist will have no issue falsely accusing you of actions you have not committed (such as infidelity or emotional and psychological abuse) to gain sympathy and manipulate the court. Don’t forget that the truth is relative to a narcissist and it can be ‘bent’ to support their narrative as far as they are concerned.
2. It’s All A Game To Them
Narcissists are skilled at manipulation and will often use psychological tactics to confuse and control their partners, such as gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and blame-shifting. If you are not acutely aware of when these tools are being used to control you, such behaviours can easily leave you feeling disoriented and confused about your own perception. Be prepared that during divorce or related proceedings, a narcissist might file unnecessary applications, make false accusations against you, and try to protract the process as much as possible in order to wear you down emotionally and financially. Negotiations may be a game to them, and they may refuse to settle or cooperate in an effort to ‘win’. They may make unreasonably low offers that are not capable of being accepted and may seek to withhold important information to slow the process down and exhaust you into submission.
3. Brace Yourself For The Emotional Rollercoaster
A narcissist’s abuse goes beyond simple practicalities, as they will also use the divorce process itself to maintain a connection with you, even if it means becoming your adversary. This is because a narcissist may thrive on drama and may engage in behaviours that are designed to provoke an emotional response, such as love bombing to win you back or smearing your reputation when it seems that is not possible. It is crucial to maintain your composure in these moments and to avoid reacting emotionally as much as you can. Narcissists often enjoy eliciting strong reactions from their victims, so remaining calm and detached can help to protect your mental well-being and prevent them from gaining the upper hand emotionally.
4. Protect Yourself Legally and Financially
Narcissists may attempt to manipulate the legal process to their advantage, so it’s essential to be proactive and prepared on this front. Don’t hesitate to hire a skilled divorce solicitor who is familiar with narcissistic behaviour and has experience in high-conflict cases. They will need to be well-aware of your ex’s tendencies so that they can work with you to develop a strategic legal plan for achieving success.
In order to assist, remember to keep detailed records of all interactions, expenses, and communications. These records can be helpful in refuting false claims or in demonstrating in court any unreasonable steps taken by your spouse or partner. Additionally, it may be worth taking steps to secure any of your own important personal documents, opening a separate bank account, or ensuring your own assets remain under your control and that any joint assets are not capable of being frittered away.
5. Rebuild Your Support System
It is a sad truth that narcissists will often isolate their partners from their loved ones in order to exert greater control in their lives. If this is your case, now is the time to reconnect with trusted friends and family who will be able provide objective emotional support and practical assistance as you navigate your divorce. Divorcing a narcissist can be a significant undertaking and ensuring that you have a strong support system in place is crucial to maintaining your overall well-being. Seeking help from a professional therapist, or perhaps even a support group, to cope better with the emotional strain can be very helpful though it is important to be able to demonstrate that any therapeutic help has arisen from the behaviour of your spouse or partner and not from any condition of your own, especially in cases where the day to day care of the children is a consideration. Therapy can notably offer valuable insights into narcissistic behaviour which may help you to develop stronger coping mechanisms when dealing with your ex while also providing a safe space to process your feelings.
6. Prioritise Your Children’s Well-being
If you happen to have children with a narcissist, there is a chance of their becoming entangled in the conflict of the divorce process. A narcissist may be so focused on ‘winning’ that they may even use children as a means to exert control or to gain leverage during proceedings. It is important to protect your children’s emotional and psychological well-being given that the long-term effects of being embroiled in an adult conflict can be long lasting for them.
Try to develop a parenting plan that minimizes potential conflicts and prioritises your children’s needs with the help of your support network. Try to avoid speaking negatively about their other parent or disclosing any details that are too mature for them to understand. It may be worth considering a therapist to support your children through this life transition since this may help them better to understand and process their emotions while also giving them skills to cope but remember that this can only be done with your spouse’s or partner’s consent. Often the children’s school will have a pastoral or professional support individual who may be able to support the children as part of their school routine. Although it may a times be difficult, always avoid using your children as a source of emotional support during the divorce.
At Grayfords, our team of family law solicitors are experienced in high conflict divorce cases and are well-equipped to furnish you with the strategies and support that you need. Don’t hesitate to contact us today and book your free consultation to find out more about how we can help.
Neil Graham, a Partner at Grayfords, comments as follows: “Litigating over finances or children should usually be considered as a last resort in comparison to alternative means of dispute resolution such as mediation or out of Court settlement. However, in cases where those alternative means are simply not workable a decision should be sought as soon as possible either with the assistance of the Court, through arbitration or through a private hearing if the dispute is over finances. Arbitration, or a private hearing, can be a particularly effective means of achieving a decision much more quickly and without using the Court’s resources. At Grayfords we have extensive experience of resolving disputes through arbitration and through private hearings as well as through a strategic use of the Court process. We have also teamed up with a professional therapist who can provide our clients with therapeutic support alongside the benefit of our extensive and strategic legal know how and experience.”
- https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/personality-disorders/types-of-personality-disorder/
- https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/personality-disorder/
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder
- https://ifla.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/Public.pdf
- https://resolution.org.uk/looking-for-help/splitting-up/your-process-options-for-divorce-and-dissolution/arbitration/
