If you are a child of divorce or know someone whose parents separated when they were young, you are probably already aware of how significant the impact of a divorce can be on children and their emotional and mental wellbeing. Although every child experiences this change differently, what remains constant amidst the ups and downs is their need for stability, reassurance, and love as they come to terms with a new family dynamic.
If you are navigating a separation and want to understand more about what you can do to help your children through this challenging time, our family solicitors have compiled a few helpful pointers for you below.
1. Make Sure You Acknowledge Their Feelings
Children often experience a whirlwind of strong emotions during divorce, including sadness, confusion, anger, guilt, or even relief. Whilst you will likely also be dealing with your own feelings in the entire process, make sure to let your child(ren) know that all their feelings are valid. Try not to assume that they see the situation in the same way that you do. For example, instead of reassuring them with phrases like “this is for the best,” you might say, “I know this is hard, and it’s okay to feel upset. I’m here for you.” This kind of reassurance gives them permission to feel what they feel freely, preventing those emotions from becoming bottled up internally and mutating into anxiety, depression, or self-blame.
2. Reassure Them That the Divorce Is Not Their Fault
Many children, particularly younger ones, can end up blaming themselves for their parents’ separation in an effort to make sense of what is happening in their family. This is why it is so crucial to be clear and consistent in telling them that the divorce is an adult decision, and not a reflection of who they are or anything they did. Remind them as much as they need that both parents still love them and will continue to care for them, even if family living arrangements change.
3. Keep Daily Routines and Relationships Steady
Children thrive on the sense of stability that predictability in their day-to-day life brings. Keeping daily routines, such as mealtimes, bedtime rituals, and weekend activities, will help to provide a sense of normalcy amid the upheaval of a separation. Alongside making sure of this, you should also encourage your child(ren) to continue their hobbies, friendships, and school commitments. When possible, try as well to maintain contact with both parents and extended family members, as these relationships form part of their sense of belonging and security.
4. Communicate With Your Child(ren) Honestly and Calmly
Do not be afraid to talk to your child(ren) about the divorce in an age-appropriate, honest, and calm manner. Keeping them ‘in the dark’ about why and how things are changing or will change in future can lead to confusion and elevated anxiety on their behalf. Try to also avoid blaming or speaking negatively about the other parent as this can worsen the emotional weight of the situation for you child(ren). When it comes to breaking the news to them at the start of your divorce, aim to share the news together with the other parent if possible. This reinforces to your child(ren) that while family life is changing, both parents remain a united team in caring for their wellbeing.
5. Do Not Be Afraid to Recognise When Additional Support May Be Needed
Even when applying all of the above steps with your best efforts, sometimes your child(ren) can still struggle more than others in processing such a major change in their family dynamic. Remember here to be especially watchful for signs of deeper emotional and psychological upset, such as withdrawal, strong emotional outbursts, difficulties sleeping, or declining school performance. You may need in such cases to seek support from a child therapist or a family counsellor who can provide them (and you) with tools to better process their feelings in a safe and controlled environment.
6. Finally, Remember to Take Care of Yourself
It is essential to remember that children are deeply attuned to their parents’ emotional and psychological state. This is why looking after your own mental health when needed is not something you should deem a luxury. Instead, it is a necessity to help you stay emotionally present for your children so they can lean on you during this difficult time. Whether it is through therapy, mindfulness, or turning to supportive friends and family, nurturing your own resilience will, in turn, strengthen theirs.
At Grayfords, our family law solicitors have many years of experience in dealing with the aftermath of divorce people’s lives. Whether you are facing a separation, child arrangements dispute, or financial settlement negotiations, our lawyers are here to guide you with tailored legal strategies and empathetic support. Don’t hesitate to call us today on 020 7100 6100 to book your free consultation and find out more about how we can help.