Divorce tends to be one of the most difficult transitions for any family, particularly whenever children are involved. It already takes a huge amount of strength for you as an adult to come to terms with the reality of a separation, but far greater can the emotional and psychological toll be for children who are facing this change.
Breaking the news of a divorce to your children is never going to be easy, however, it is vital to approach the conversation with as much sensitivity, honesty, and care as you can muster. It is important to remember that telling your children about your divorce isn’t just going to be a one-time conversation; it is an ongoing dialogue that will evolve with time as they gradually process the change. Below, we’ve outlined some key strategies on how to manage this delicate conversation.
1. Prepare In Advance
Taking the time to properly prepare for the occasion is the first, and perhaps most important, step. Aim to come to an agreement on the exact timing and setting with your co-parent to ensure both of you are aligned on how the conversation will be managed and what will be said. Choosing a quiet, comfortable time when everyone is calm and avoiding any situations where emotions may run high is key here. Remember as well that children, regardless of their age, take their emotional cues from their parents. So, if you appear calm, controlled, and compassionate, it is more likely that your children will feel secure when receiving the news. Of course, it is okay for them to see that you may be sad but try to reassure them that you are handling the situation and will be there to support them through this change.
2. Be Honest, But Keep It Age-Appropriate
Honesty is always the best policy in such situations, but how much information you share with your children will depend on their age. Younger children may benefit from simple explanations, while older ones may be more curious about the specific reasons behind the divorce. You can say something like, “Sometimes adults stop loving each other in the same way, and that’s what has happened to us. But that doesn’t change how much we love you, and we will always be here to take care of you.” This allows your children to understand the main concept of what has happened without overwhelming them with the more complex or adult details.
Note: try to avoid any confusing statements like “Mummy and Daddy still love each other,” as this can lead to false hopes of reconciliation.
3. Avoid Criticizing The Other Parent Or Being Confrontational
Although the reasons behind your separation are likely causing strong emotions, it is vital to refrain from speaking negatively about your ex-partner in front of your children. Children can actually perceive any such criticism as an attack on themselves, as they often view themselves to be a blend of both parents. You should therefore aim to reinforce to your children that both parents are still working together to care for them, despite choosing to live separately moving forward.
Also bear in mind that children often feel torn between their parents during a divorce, which can sometimes lead to a sense of divided loyalty. Because of this, it is essential to reassure them that they don’t have to choose sides by making it clear that it is okay to love and spend time with both parents. Further, make a note to avoid using your child as a messenger or asking them to keep secrets from the other parent. Statements like, “Tell your dad I’ll be late,” or, “Don’t tell your mum we went on vacation,” place children in an extremely unfair and uncomfortable position that can increase stress on their mental and emotional wellbeing.
4. Allow Them Space to Express Their Feelings
Children normally will experience a range of strong emotions upon hearing the news of their parent’s divorce. Sadness, confusion, or even anger can often be expected, and it is crucial to give them the time and space they need to express these feelings without any judgment. Let them know that it is okay to feel upset and encourage them to be honest about their emotions with you. You might say, “I know this is really hard, and it’s okay to feel sad or angry. I’m here to listen whenever you want to talk.” Some children may also prefer to talk to another trusted adult or even a counsellor if they find the subject too difficult to discuss with you, and that’s perfectly fine.
5. Answer Their Questions Honestly
After the initial conversation, children can have many questions about how the divorce will affect their day-to-day lives – such as whether they will have to change schools, move houses, or leave friends behind. Make sure you are prepared to answer these questions as honestly as possible, even if the answers are uncertain. For instance, it is advisable to say, “We don’t have all the answers right now, but as soon as we do, we will tell you,” if you are unsure of anything. It is very important to avoid making promises that you can’t keep, such as assuring them they will continue living in the same house when that may not be possible.
6. Don’t Try To Force Positivity
Although it can be tempting to try and put a positive spin on the divorce by highlighting benefits like decorating a new bedroom or having two homes, this can actually backfire by minimizing your child’s feelings and creating further confusion for them. Instead, make sure you acknowledge that the situation is difficult, but that you will work through it together with them. If you’re finding the emotional toll of the situation too overwhelming and are struggling to put on a brave face, then you can also consider seeking help from a counsellor. Therapy can support both you and your children through this life transition by providing a safe space for them to process their feelings and for you to navigate any complex emotions you are dealing with.
7. Respect Their Timeline
Finally, remember that while you may have been thinking about the divorce for a long time, the news will often come as a shock to your children. Make every effort to give them time to adjust to this new reality and understand that they may not fully process their emotions immediately. Be patient and open to ongoing conversations with your children about your divorce as they continue to navigate the changes it brings about.
We understand that facing a divorce can be not only emotionally but also psychologically and physically draining as one tries to navigate all the responsibilities and life changes that come hand in hand with it. Our team of solicitors at Grayfords are highly experienced in providing support and guidance to our clients who are facing divorce, while empowering them with the legal support they need to fight for their best interests and secure theirs and children’s future. If you need help with a separation or any other family matter, don’t hesitate to book your free consultation today to find out more about how we can help.
