Perhaps you would not be inclined to seek marriage advice from a divorce solicitor, but then again, perhaps you would given the fact that they rarely tend to get divorced themselves (read our article about why this is so here). Divorce lawyers have witnessed countless marriages collapse and, in the process, have been granted detailed insight into the most common causes for relationship breakdowns. It’s not surprising then to note that they consequently know a thing or two about what not to do when building a marriage, and this in turn does shed some light on what exactly is effective for nurturing a successful relationship. Below, we’ve collated some key tips from our solicitors based on their experience in family law.
Communication Is Key
The first, and probably most obvious of these, is the importance of practicing regular, open, and honest communication. It’s safe to say that a misunderstanding of some kind tends to be at the crux of almost every conflict that ultimately leads to a broken marriage. When spouses fail to effectively communicate their needs, wants, and/or feelings to each other, this leaves room for a variety of problematic behaviours to take root and begin growing within their relationship. For example, one spouse may start to harbour resentment against the other for something they did which upset them. Instead of choosing to address the issue and talk it through, they may choose instead to distance themselves from their partner in an effort to avoid further disappointment or to make a statement. However, if the other partner doesn’t inherently understand why this is happening (no one can read minds!), they might jump to other nefarious conclusions, causing even more strife in the relationship. Spouses can of course avoid such misunderstandings by simply taking the time to check in daily with each other to ensure that their expectations and goals in the relationship are consistently aligned. Being prepared to compromise and to breach sensitive topics is the key to success here and this brings us on to our next point.
Don’t Be Afraid To Talk Money
Be transparent about your finances with each other. Yes, this can be a difficult subject to broach, but it is crucial to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page about your financial affairs, especially when co-habiting. When couples get divorced, they are almost always fighting over money – who gets what, should pay for this, or is owed that. Even within an ongoing relationship, such questions can still feel like a challenge and so making sure that your financial (and practical) roles and responsibilities within your relationship are clearly set out from the outset should be a top priority. It’s also important to have a clear understanding of any debts or purchases that your partner may incur (or have already incurred) so that you can both be in agreement about how to manage your money. Remember the saying ‘What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is yours’? Well, that is generally the rule when it comes to marriage, given that all your assets legally become jointly owned as part of the ‘martial pot’. It is therefore essential for both of you to always be involved whenever making any major financial decisions as the consequences will affect the both of you.
Weathering Life’s Events
Major financial decisions can often also be accompanied by major life events. It can be easy to assume that most marriages tend to end in divorce over something like infidelity or domestic abuse. However, the reality is that most separations are related to a life event – such as the loss of a job or family member, a serious illness, or having children who suffer from significant medical issues. Situations like these generally tend to take a significant emotional, physical, and psychological toll on people, and this can have a knock-on effect on their relationships. Feeling unusually irritable, stressed, or maybe even a bit depressed as a result of an ongoing life event can temporarily change people’s behaviours in a significant way. Learning to cultivate patience with yourself and your partner as you navigate life’s ups and downs will enable you to support each other in facing your challenges together, instead of falling apart over them.
Seeking Help When You Need It
If things continue to become increasingly challenging, then it is also a good idea to consider consulting a therapist. Although this can sometimes seem like an embarrassing or even frightening step to take, the benefits of having a third perspective from a trained professional on any issues that you might be facing are worth it. A psychologist can help improve your mental health by assisting you in developing healthier coping mechanisms in the event that you’ve been feeling depressed or overwhelmed by life. Alternatively, a couples’ therapist could help you and your partner to better understand each other’s perspectives on an issue that may feel insurmountable to you both, thus helping you to move forward from conflict and strengthen your relationship. Anything that facilitates each of you to be the best of yourselves and to treat others with greater patience and kindness as a result will ultimately only benefit your relationship. There have been so many marriages that could have been saved if both parties had simply chosen to get the help they needed instead of parting ways. Marriage is a joint venture and it’s important to remember that you’re both on the same team. You both win if your marriage succeeds, so it’s worth doing what you can to make that happen.
With all the above being said, sometimes marriages do eventually run their course, and there is no shame in choosing to end a relationship that fundamentally doesn’t serve you or your partner. If you are considering a divorce or a separation, our solicitors are well-equipped to advise you on a wide range of family law matters including financial settlements, child custody, international living arrangements, domestic abuse and more. Our team also understands that this is a sensitive time in people’s lives and we have a variety of other services at our clients’ disposal to support them through it, including therapy, personal coaching, and financial planning. Don’t hesitate to book your free consultation today to find out more about how we can help.