Although many would equate being a step-parent to the holding of a ‘lesser’ role within the blended family unit, the reality of such a responsibility could not be more underestimated. Step-parents often find themselves having to juggle multiple family dynamics at once as they navigate being not only a partner, but also a parental figure that can sometimes attract the dislike or even hatred of their step-children and the other biological parent. In an environment where these pressures can sometimes escalate to the point of taking a toll on their own mental and emotional well-being, the role of a step-parent is undoubtedly an exercise in balance.
Perhaps the first and most obvious challenge for step-parents is learning to fully understand and respect their step-children’s boundaries when caring for them. Although the desire to fully engage in co-parenting with a partner can be a strong and largely positive drive to show love and support, it is important to remember that the boundaries of a step-parent are markedly different from that of a biological parent. Being too familiar with one’s step-children by asking them overly personal questions or by being too affectionate can be perceived as an unwelcome attempt to try and force intimacy. Step-parents must recognise that prior to their involvement in their step-children’s lives, these children will have already created a strong, fundamental relationship with their own biological parents. As a result, any other adult that attempts to mimic this closeness will likely make them feel uncomfortable as such a bond cannot be replicated. The key is to focus instead on building a healthy friendship between step-parent and child, always keeping in mind that these interpersonal boundaries are constantly in flux as blended families grow and evolve together.
Boundary awareness is also crucial when it comes to the discipline and/or raising of step-children, a subject that can often be incredibly sensitive. Many step-parents end up becoming heavily involved in their step-children’s lives as they progressively assume more responsibilities for them, and it can be tempting to feel a need to contribute to parenting decisions as a result. However, unless the other biological parent is no longer in the step-children’s lives, the responsibility of raising them and making significant decisions for their admonishment and well-being ultimately lies solely with both biological parents.
Remembering this in the smaller, day-to-day routines of a blended family is also hugely important. A step-parent should never go against the wishes that their partner has for their child, unless of course the child’s well-being or safety is in danger. The contradiction of even a simple decision such as whether or not the child can watch a particular film or go a certain friends’ house can have severe repercussions by undermining their biological parents’ authority. Similarly, trying to ‘one up’ the biological parent with gifts or other pleasantries for their children in a bid to gain their love and trust can be equally inflammatory. Unfortunately, this can often happen without the step-parent even being fully conscious of what they’re doing, particularly if they have been feeling anxious or insecure about their role within the blended family.
Of course, step-parents’ own personal boundaries are of equal importance in and amongst all of the above. People can sometimes fail to realise that step-parents may not always willingly wish to take on the responsibility of caring for children that aren’t actually theirs. Being a parent is widely recognised as one of the most challenging endeavours one can undertake and although biological parents will have had time to adjust to this life choice as they prepare for the arrival of their child during pregnancy, step-parents have often not been afforded this luxury. It is therefore a huge commitment of love and sacrifice whenever a step-parent has chosen to partner with someone who already has children and actively support them in parenting. Because of this, the importance of ensuring that there is clear communication between them and their partner about their own wants and needs is essential to the success of the relationship. Taking the time to recharge from the demands of step-parenting via designated one-on-one time with their partner, seeking therapy, or spending some time away with their own friends and family is necessary to ensure that personal emotional needs are also met within the blended family dynamic. An emotionally secure and fulfilled step-parent is ultimately a more capable step-parent, which is why it is important to remember that their personal well-being is beneficial not just to them but to the entire family as well.
At Grayfords, we understand that navigating family relationships can be challenging, particularly when there are multiple dynamics involved. Our expert solicitors have a wealth of experience in a wide-range of family law matters, including child custody, divorce, prenups, and financial settlements. If you are facing a family conflict or need legal advice on a related family matter, then don’t hesitate to book your free consultation today to find out more about how we can help.