Marriage is often described as a lifelong conversation, one that continually evolves and deepens as you come to know your partner more and more intimately for who they are over time. As wonderful as this journey is, making such a serious lifelong commitment to someone is no laughing matter as the legal implications of a failed marriage can be significant, should things unfortunately turn sour between the two of you.
This is why you should take the time to first ask your partner some key questions about their expectations in marriage if you want to pave the way for a successful and enduring partnership. The importance of open and honest communication to understand each other’s values, expectations, and beliefs cannot be understated here. To help with this, we’ve compiled a list of essential topics to explore with your partner before saying the words, “I do.”
1) What Are Our Non-Negotiables?
Everyone will have a set of core needs and non-negotiables when it comes to how they navigate relationships. Whether these relate to personal habits, their career goals, or simple lifestyle choices, ensuring you discuss these points openly will help to build mutual respect for what each of you needs to thrive in life. For instance, are there hobbies or friendships that one of you isn’t willing to give up after marriage, or does one of you want to live abroad at some point?
Career ambitions and how they will intersect with family responsibilities are also very important to clarify here. If you plan to have children, being in agreement about which one (if any) of you would be willing or best placed to take a step back professionally to focus on raising them is key. It is also advisable to discuss how you might handle any unexpected demands, like a sick child or a career opportunity that requires relocation.
2) How Do We Define What Commitment Means To Us?
Commitment can take a variety of forms which can look notably different from couple to couple. As such, the subject of fidelity is an important topic to explore as many marriages often come to a screeching halt over conflicting views surrounding this.
For example, emotional and digital infidelity are grievances that are increasingly being cited as a reason for divorce amongst separating couples, so ensuring that you both clearly define what you classify as cheating is absolutely necessary. Conversations around whether physical intimacy is exclusive to your marriage are also important to cover. You may wish to be completely monogamous, or perhaps you want an open relationship – but one that exclusively allows for emotional intimacy between just the two of you, instead of with other sexual partners. Finding what works for the both of you and honouring this will help ensure long term success in your relationship.
3) How Will We Deal With Money and Finances?
It is no secret that money matters are a common source of tension in relationships – and, in fact, they are often the most contentious part of divorce proceedings, taking up the most amount of time to be resolved in court. It is therefore essential to discuss your financial commitments and expectations in marriage from the outset.
Questions such as do you prefer joint or separate accounts? How do you approach saving, spending, and managing debt? And whether you would like to put in place a prenuptial agreement before getting married are all key points to explore. Remember that when you marry your partner, all your assets can be swept up into one ‘marital pot’, and this includes any financial ties such as debt. Full transparency about both of your current financial statuses is therefore essential if you want to avoid any uncomfortable surprises later on in your marriage.
4) What Are Our Views on Parenting and Children?
If you’re planning to have children, aligning your intentions for this chapter of your life as early as possible is crucial. Differing expectations and/or parenting styles can cause immense strife within a marriage, so make sure to tackle questions like how many kids do you want? When do you ideally want to have children? And will you pursue biological children, adoption, or surrogacy if necessary? Don’t hesitate as well to dive into parenting philosophies so you can both be clear about what you envision when raising/disciplining your children and how you intend to share childcare responsibilities.
Speaking of family, marriage often combines yours and your partner’s families, so it is important to discuss how involved each of your in-laws will be in your lives moving forward. For example, you should explore your preferences surrounding how often you will visit them and whether or not grandparents should be involved with childcare. Aim to establish clear boundaries surrounding holidays, family gatherings, and other significant events to avoid any unnecessary conflict in future.
5) How Do We Handle Conflict and Are Our Values and Beliefs Aligned?
Conflict is of course inevitable in any relationship so take time to reflect on how disagreements were handled in your family growing up and share these experiences with your partner. You will need to understand each other’s default conflict style—whether that is calm discussion, avoidance, or heated arguments— if you want to successfully navigate disagreements in a constructive way.
You should also consider whether there are any areas of your lives that may be particularly prone to conflict between the two of you. Aligning yourselves on core values and beliefs can strengthen your bond, so be sure to discuss your political views, stances on social issues, and your priorities in life to be sure you are truly compatible for a long-term relationship. Note: if religion or spirituality is important to either of one you, it is extremely important to explore how it will influence your marriage and the way you raise children.
How Does One Navigate These Conversations?
Many of the topics covered above may seem daunting, but showing bravery in addressing them with your partner is ultimately non-negotiable if you want to build a truly solid foundation for your marriage. With that said, these discussions are understandably quite intense, so aim to space them out naturally, such as during quiet evenings or after watching a relevant TV show or movie that naturally sparks conversation. The goal is to foster honest and respectful dialogue in approaching these subjects and not to overwhelm your partner with what may seem like a ‘checklist’ of ground to cover.
At Grayfords, we believe in enabling people to thrive within their relationships and our family law solicitors can help you to build a legal framework that supports this goal. Whether you need assistance with a prenuptial agreement, financial arrangements, or a simple cohabitation agreement, our team is here to help. Don’t hesitate to call us on 020 7100 6100 today and book in your free initial consultation to find out more.
